Fourth is a bunch of BAMFs
by ZiggyGebs777
Summary: In the aftermath of the Long Halloween, an old face is getting ready for a new chapter in his life...but what does a certain Captain and her assistant have in store? Rated for Linndal's pottymouth and rather naughty subject matter. Pagoverse, takes place after Pago's Long Halloween.


_**Fourth is a Bunch of BAMFs**_

**Two days after the Long Halloween… **

"Medical examination?"

Tatter nodded. "Yeah; Captain Unohana just wants to make sure you're in shape. If you're going to be reaping souls for us, you need to be in good health."

Linndal made a face. "She ain't gonna jab me with needles, is she? The only ones that Szayel could ever get through hierro were like...this thick," and he held up his little finger. "Those really hurt...Tyn ended up runnin' away every time Szayel even brought up physicals." The Septima frowned. "Come ta think on it, I think he _still_ has a hangup about 'em…"

"Nah, just routine stuff. She might ask if she can draw blood or inject you, but you can always say no." Tatter paused. "Except for some tests. Some tests she's strangely..._adamant_ on."

"Like?"

Tatter shrugged evasively. "Oh, you know...just...certain ones...a swab, a pressure check...there _is _one exam I should wa—"

"Did someone say..._exam?" _From behind Linndal came the sound of snapping rubber, and he froze.

"Um...Tats?" He muttered fearfully. "Why did that noise just send a shiver up my spine with the urge to run far, far away?"

His friend did not answer, merely looking up at nothing and humming to himself. Linn turned around slowly, limbs trembling in unknown fear...

And there was Retsu Unohana, Isane Kotetsu by her side and benign smile firmly in place...with a white rubber glove upon her left hand, forefinger extended. "I could have been sure," she said sweetly, "that I heard the word _exam_coming from this room. Did my ears deceive me?"

Linn swallowed hard. "That depends...what're ya plannin' on doin' with that finger?"

"Oh...just an..._exam..._" She tilted her head to the side in a gesture of innocent inquisition. "A simple..._exam..._do you agree to it?"

Linndal sighed in relief. Just an exam; he could handle that. "Sure, Cap'n, I can do it for ya. Will I get a kiss afterwards to make it all better?" He winked saucily at her, ignoring the scarred Lieutenant's sigh and head-shaking.

"Maybe...if you're a good boy."

The Hound smirked. "Well, I always _did _like to play 'Doctor'."

Retsu smiled. "Excellent." She made a quick motion to Isane, who produced from her sleeve a small tub of a strange clear fluid. The good Captain dipped her finger in it, withdrawing as she took a step toward the patient. "Isane, lock the door, if you please." The formerly sweet voice was now all business, and the movements she made were even more so.

Linn's smile suddenly became as fragile as glass. "...why does she need ta lock the door?"

Retsu did not deign to answer him. "Mr. Cuchullan, if you will please remove your pants and bend over the examination bed."

Lavender eyes bugged as the patient's face turned deathly pale. "You want me ta do _what, _now?I"

"Now, Mr. Cuchullan, please don't make this difficult." The calm tone was back, even as she took small slide forward with her foot. Isane nodded helpfully, even as she slid the now oddly-conspicuous deadbolt on the door home with a loud _clack_.

"Really, Mr. Cuchullan, Captain Unohana is _very _good at this! One second in, and then she's out!"

"In_where?!"_ He turned to Tatter de Malion, who was very pointedly looking away. _"What the feckin' hell are they talkin' about?!"_

The Lieutenant of Division Two merely shrugged. "I told you that you could have said no..."

A ray of hope shone on the condemned's face. "No! No, I don't want this exam!"

Retsu merely shook her head. "Too late; you already agreed." At the sight of Linndal's desperate look around the room for an avenue of escape, she made a subtle gesture to Isane, who muttered a quick incantation...

And Linndal found himself wrapped hand and foot in glowing bands of Kido. "Aww, the _feck, _man?!" he bellowed, falling to the floor.

"Can't have you running away, now, can we?" The Captain of Squad Four turned to the other man. "Lieutenant, if you would be so kind?" she said, gesturing to the table.

"Tatter," whimpered the captured Septima. "Tatter, ol' buddy...please...I'm beggin' ya..."

De Malion shrugged. "Sorry, 'ol' buddy'", he said, hoisting the Arrancar over the bed. "But you agreed."

"Now," said Retsu as she yanked her victim's pants down. "Bottoms up..."

Outside the room, Hanataro Yamada happened to be passing by the door...when he was suddenly startled by a shrill scream, accompanied by curses from inside.

_"__**WOOOHOHOHOHOHOOOOO**__YA FECKIN' BITCH, GET THAT GODDAMNED FINGER OUTTA THERE!"__**"**_

"Hmmm...hand me another glove, Isane, dear...I don't think I got conclusive results..."

"Yes, Captain."

"Tatter, please hold him down a bit better this time."

"Yes, Captain Unohana."

"Ya damned _traitor, _de Malion, I'll _get _ya for this, see if I _**DAHAHAHAAAA! **__Ach, that just ain't right!"_

Back within the room, Retsu pulled his pants back up as Tatter righted him and Isane released the _Bakudo_ spell. "Now, was that so bad?" she said soothingly, patting his back.

Linndal looked on the verge of tears. "What part," he rasped, "of '_exit only'_ do ya _NOT GET?!"_

Tatter clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry; you get used to it."

Linn looked at him with blood in his eye. "No, Tatter. Ya _don't_ get used to that. It _ain't natural."_

"Cut the drama, Linn."

"Drama nothin'...I've been _violated..." _The Hound sniffled at this proclamation. "Now I'll never get married...what woman wants a man who's been _used_ like this?"

Retsu and Isane both came to either side of him. "Well," said the Captain. "All in all, I would have to say that you fared better than most men we have to examine."

Linndal shrugged despondently.

"And that means..." said Isane.

"What?" mumbled the Arrancar. "I get _examined_ more?"

Unohana shook her head. "No. It means you were a good boy."

And both Captain and Lieutenant of the Fourth Division leaned in and laid a kiss on each cheek.

"Does that make it all better?" Isane asked. Linndal shrugged, blushing.

"A little bit...but I know one thing that _could _make it all better..." He pointed to his "friend", who managed to look surprised. "When was _his _last exam?"

Retsu Unohana looked thoughtful. "Hmmm...I don't believe he reported in for a physical...Isane?"

As the female Lieutenant shook her head, Tatter began backing away. "Now hold on a second..." And then he, too, was wrapped _kido. _Captain Unohana took another glove from her assistant.

"Mr. Cuchullan, if you will be so kind..."

"With pleasure!"

Outside, Hanataro was passing by again...only to be startled once more by another round of cries for help. "Man," he shuddered. "I'm glad I don't have to do _that_ again..."

"Hey, Hanataro." At the authoritative voice behind him, the young healer jumped to attention, whirling around to see the Captain of Division Thirteen.

"Y-yes, Captain Ushii! How can I help you?"

"Do you know where Captain Unohana is?" asked Anrak. "I was told to report here for an examination. Apparently, she wants to check on my—"

Another shrill cry, accompanied by admonitions to "hold him still" and responses of "I'm tryin', he's like a greased pig" greeted their ears.

Hanataro Yamada leaned forward. "Run, Captain. Run fast."

Captain Ushii hung around another few seconds, face turning pale as the yells and shouts grew even more violent...

And then he disappeared in a blur of Shunpo.

Hanataro, good deed for the day complete, proceeded on his way.

The Onmitsukido's Torture-and-Interrogation section, he reflected, could easily be replaced by Captain Retsu Unohana, as long as she had gloves and her little jar of lube.

Yep. Fourth Division was a bunch of badass motherfuckers, no matter what Eleventh said.

_**AN: Well, once again, credit to the universe and Anrak Ushii goes to Pago. I had this little bit inspired by my own experiences with a prostate cancer scare…five exams in two weeks…(shiver) I was jumpy for a month. **_


End file.
